Self-Care to Support Yourself When You Don't Feel Like Yourself || with Mia Hemstad

Learn how to step up and support yourself, especially when you are struggling to feel like yourself.

Have you ever found yourself in the position of feeling complete overwhelm, maybe even anxiety or depression, knowing you desperately need to take care of yourself but are simultaneously unable to? Whether it's the small things like eating, or showering, to the big things like enjoying a creative hobby, we sometimes forget to support ourselves in those ways when we need it the most.

Mia Hemstad is a mother of two and a self-care coach, who has dealt personally and professionally with severe depression and PTSD. She shares one of the scariest moments she realized how lacking her self-care had become, and it may be all too relatable to some listeners. Tune in for a very real examination of why you're prone to neglecting yourself and how to change that in ways that actually matter.

About a few other things...

Reclaim your creative power and rediscover who you actually are! If you’re ready to come back home to yourself, to be able to say that you know who you are and what matters to you, take my foundation course, “Finding Me.” It’s OK that you’ve lost parts of yourself along the way; but as you learn to anchor back into who you are and align your life to what matters to you, you’ll find that you have more strength, more fulfilment, and more creativity to bring to your important roles and responsibilities.

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Songs Credit: Pleasant Pictures Music Club

TRANSCRIPT

Monica: Mia, welcome to About Progress.

Mia: Hey, Monica. I'm so excited to be here.

Monica: Well, we are going to be talking about something that is coming up for you right now, but also for many women listening. You know, the past couple of years have been so tough, but I think especially on women's mental health, for many obvious reasons, I don't think we need to share the abundant research for it because we're living it.

But when that hard, bout of maybe anxiety or overwhelm or even depression hit that's when we kind of shut down the fundamental way of us supporting ourselves through that time, which is self care. So today we're going to be talking about that, but also just how to feel like yourself when you're not like how to, how to support yourself when you're not feeling like yourself.

So let's go back to what I just brought up though. Why do you think it is that one of the first things to go when we need it the most, is self care.

Mia: I love that question. And I love this topic because you're absolutely right. I feel like. Life might be going back to "normal," but we are not feeling normal. We are feeling anything but normal. We are in kind of the post-traumatic recovery stage of what we've just been through the last few years.

And so I feel like. You know, first of all, we might be all putting some extra expectations on ourselves. Like, oh, now is things are going back to normal. Now we need to catch up for all that last time, all those vacation plans, goals, things that we put on hold, we got to catch up. So we place all that on ourselves.

But so I just wanted to preface this with like, this is a delicate time for all of us, and I'm just so grateful that you're making space for this conversation. Because I am also going through the same transition and going through a mental flare up as well. But the reason why I think we just completely ditch self-care when things start getting intense, whether it be circumstantially in their lives, there's a lot going on or internally with our health.

Like you have a depression flare up or an anxiety flare up. And you just stop brushing your teeth. You stop taking a shower, you stop moving your body, you stop eating healthy food. And it just kind of slowly kind of comes in. And I think from a practical standpoint, it's just because when things get intense, we don't have as much energy. And we don't have as much time.

Fundamentally, self-care takes time and energy, and to not acknowledge that would be a huge disservice cause I think a lot of us think like we're just not being intentional, being mindful. We're not trying hard enough. And I think that those things are just, couldn't be further from the truth.

The fact of the matter is women, and especially mothers, we have very limited time and energy. And if you're going through a mental health flare, like when you're really stressed right now, or you have an additional amount of like caregiving responsibilities right now, maybe you have a sick kid at home, you know, that completely changes your schedule.

There's just going to be less time and energy. And those things seem obvious, but I like to lead with that because I think whenever we stopped doing something, that's important to us, we immediately think it's like a personal, moral failing. Like we're just not trying hard enough. We're just not being good enough with our time management.

We just need a better planner. We start to beat ourselves up when it's just really like, girl, we only have this much time and energy in the day. Don't be so hard on yourself. You spent 12 hours with your sick kid and the other eight working on your job stuff, and then cooking dinner. There was no time for your self care today.

So that's, that's my first. The second thing that I would say to that is that whatever we struggle with, like depression or anxiety or anything that affects our mental health aside from like the low energy that comes with it is the brain fog that comes along with it.

And the difficulty with executive functioning, like planning and, you know, planning out the future when you are busy, especially if you're a mom, it requires. Anything that we do requires logistics, right? Because we are overseeing the schedules of multiple people's lives, you know, especially if you're caring for little ones.

And so if you want to take a break or you want to go to an exercise class, it requires more than just you deciding, right. It's more complicated than that. And we need to give ourselves that kind of like grace, that this is not as easy to fit ourselves in. And if you're struggling with depression and anxiety, just thinking about where to squeeze yourself in to the myriad of schedules, that is your family can be even more overwhelming.

It can add to your anxiety. It can add to your overwhelm. So of course you're not going to do it. You're not going to plan that you're going to think. Let me just eat my kids leftover peanut butter and jelly cross, or grab a slice of cheese from the fridge. You're not gonna, because it's too overwhelming to think.

What am I going to eat for lunch? I can't even think of what to make right now. I can't even think what's going to the grocery store when you have anxiety, right. It can feel. Just overwhelming. You can't go through all those aisles. Sometimes I get a headache just going to a store. So I would rather just eat like the grapes that are in the back of the fridge, like to be, to be honest.

So yeah, I think those are just some practical reasons. I mean, I could go on, but those two practical reasons. And also like, I would be remiss to not mention this when we struggle with depression and anxiety and have a flare up, it can affect our self-esteem and our sense of self-worth right. We, because mental illness is so stigmatized in our society, we still feel abnormal and ashamed sometimes for experiencing what we experience and we blame ourselves or you feel less than, and when we feel that, think about it, you're less likely to take care of yourself. If you don't really think you're worthy or worth it, you don't really feel like you're worth the effort. Let's for example, a lot of us place our value in our productivity. When you're anxious or depressed, you're going to do less. And you might end your day fixating on all the things you didn't do because of your stinking, depression, or sinking anxiety, or you might be mad at yourself, beating yourself up instead of going, man, I had a really hard day, too.

I deserve some care. I deserve some luck. You're going to think. I didn't do the things on my to-do list. So I did some, all I deserve to sit here and ruminate on how the terrible person I am because I didn't get XYZ done. Right. So it's also the way that we feel about ourselves when we're going through a flare up that affects our self-care.

Monica: That all makes sense to me. And somehow in the same breath, we so easily overlook those three main facts that you just shared and they are so fact centered. That's what I love about this. It can help us remove the shame and blame that only heightens our inability to care for ourselves. So let's acknowledge all of those.

And in the same moment, still say there needs to be ways for us to support ourselves and that's complex and that's hard to learn. So I'd love for you to share your own story about how you learned that this still needs to be prioritized in different capacities. And then we'll get more into the how to do that, but share your story a little bit. If you can.

Mia: Okay. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm a really stubborn person. I'm a recovering workaholic; pushed myself super, super, super hard person. So when I became a mom, that attitude of "do it all, be it all" did not change, unfortunately. And I was trying to be a martyr mom. I was trying to be the mom that I thought I should be.

Do it all and be it all without complaints and with a smile on your face. And then I was struggling with it, but it wasn't until one of my brothers, he has severe autism and an auto-immune disease. He was really sick and he was placed into my care. And all of a sudden I became a full-time caregiver overnight.

I became a full-time caregiver. I had a two year old and I had a six month old

Monica: wow.

Mia: And I didn't change anything about my self care or lack thereof. I could just thought I could just keep doing what I was doing, even though it was already not working. And then I almost passed out in a trader Joe's grocery store.

Monica: Wow.

Mia: I was wearing my six month old on my chest. I had my two year old in the cart and I started to get a really excruciating migraine that was causing floaters so bad in my eyes, I was losing my vision and I was dizzy, lightheaded, I was experiencing vertigo all happening in the grocery store. And so I had inklings that my migraines were getting worse.

They were coming back. I had experienced them in this level when I was a teen. When I felt this and I was, you know, my instinct was pushed through, get what you came here for finish getting that stuff on your list. And then all of a sudden, I just couldn't even read the list. I looked down and I couldn't even read the grocery list.

And I realized, oh my gosh, I'm wearing my child, my infant's on my body. If I faint, I could hurt her. And so I go to the checkout and I'm trying to check out and the cashier literally notices, like I am disoriented and she asked me if I'm okay, she offers to get me a chair. And I immediately just said, oh no, no, like, I don't need this.

Because how many times would we, all of us do this, right? Somebody offers something and we just immediately say no. Before we even check in with ourselves, we just say no, cause we're so conditioned to try not to be a burden and an inconvenience to try not to take up space. And in this moment, this self-esteem problem I had of not wanting to be a burden would've affected my child's life.

I was wearing her on my body. Like how bad is that? I took that back and I said, actually, I do need a chair. And so here I am, 23 years old sitting on a chair at the trader Joe's checkout, like fine. I made it to the checkout. Somebody loaded my groceries. I got everyone in the car safely. I called my husband.

Long story short. I basically was. At the urgent care with my kids, with my husband, trying to basically get into the hospital because I was just feeling horrible, but they were like, listen, you have migraine symptoms and they're bad, but we can't treat migraines. All we can do is give you medication and tell you to get some rest.

You need rest. That's what you need. You clearly need rest. And I'm like this doctor doesn't seem to understand that as a mom and a full-time caregiver, I would get more rest at the hospital than I would at my own home. Like that is a reality. It's actually a psychological phenomenon known as a hospital fantasy.

So once I Googled this, I learned it's called the hospital fantasy. And apparently a lot of moms fast have a fantasy of wanting to get sick so that we can just take a break. So if any of you listening have gone through this, it's not weird. This is, this is something that our society pushes us into because of the lack of support.

Basically I learned how important self care is when more is added to your plate, because I was so drastically hurting and, and I saw directly how my inability or my lack of self care was directly impacting my family. My husband had to take time off work. I had another brother that had to take off time off work to help me with caregiving and babysitting while I was just in excruciating pain for a week as this migraine ran its course through my body.

And so, I mean, I've had other rock bottom moments like that, but I would say that one comes to mind the strongest, when I realized that when we go through rough moments, when we have more things pulling from our capacity, we need to be even more, we need to take self care seriously. Like I take it seriously, because I used to think, oh, this is a waste of time, or this is a waste of money or whatever.

And not all self care costs money, but we all know that there's a money element, you know, when it comes to childcare or whatever it is, like we, can't not acknowledge that. And then I realized I was spending all that money that I was trying to save by neglecting myself on medical bills because now I hadn't made my body so sick, I was going to neurologists getting MRIs to make sure there wasn't any tumor. Like I was spending all kinds of money now, recovering from the illness that my body was going through instead of prioritizing my wellness. So yeah, for me, it's just like, I, I know what can happen when we neglect ourselves for too long and I saw how it hurt my kids.

So.

Monica: And that's one of those super rock bottom moments that regardless of its exact same kind of scenario, I think we, as women can see in our lives, you know, what costs are we paying for neglecting ourselves and in the process, what costs are our responsibilities, o relationship's being asked to bear too, because of our insistence on not being quote unquote selfish. You know, you, you learn this, I'm so grateful you would share your story. And I know this is. still complex to learn it when it's so far gone. So let's make that be our focus, like for the women who it is so far gone,

Mia: Yeah.

Monica: what can it look like? What can self-care look like if they're still so far gone?

Mia: Yeah, that's such a good question. I work with clients and there's some women that already get that it's necessity. They just need to know how to apply it. And there's women who are so crippled by the idea of taking even 10 minutes for themselves. And I relate to every one of these women, because I've been in all of these stages.

And I would say if you're super duper far gone. I'm not even going to hit you with the tips and the habit, the habit tips

Monica: We

Mia: I love those. Yeah. We will get, we will get there, but when we're really far gone, we have to acknowledge first the different obstacles. So there's mental and emotional obstacles.

Well, I would like to separate those out even more there's mental obstacles, emotional obstacles, and then situational obstacles. So stuff pertaining to your situation, like whether or not you have a partner, whether or not you have kids, whether or not you have a demanding job, things like that. But when it comes to mental obstacles, I often ask people to identify what beliefs come up when they think about self care.

You know, to really just get a baseline assessment of what comes up for them, because what comes up for you is what's going to be holding you back in a sense. So for instance, when you think of self care, I'm trying to think of like an example from a client it's like, okay.

Selfish is definitely one, undeserving, waste of time. One more thing to do. That was something that came up a lot during the pandemic. There was a narrative on social media. It's still going strong. That's like, you guys want us to virtual school. Our kids go to work during a pandemic deal with this deal, with that and practice self-care.

This is a ridiculous burden that society is throwing at us. And I don't see it that way. I see that self care doesn't solve all of your problems. I never painted as a magic bullet. It's absolutely not that self care strengthens you and gives you the capacity to deal with the problems that life is already throwing at you.

It helps you to be in it for the long haul it's it's it's it's like the vitamin of your life. Like you, can't not take it. You need, you need this to deal with the versatile schooling and the toxic boss and the pandemic and everything. This is how I keep going through my seasons of depression and my struggles with PTSD.

So that's the first thing I would have people do is like, okay, let's talk about all of these things. And let's kind of do a little bit of debunking of the myths that come up. Okay. You say that self care makes you feel selfish. Where did that come from? What story did that take root in your mind? And usually for some people, oh, I'll just use my personal example.

Like I never saw my mom take care of herself. I never saw her do that. So for me, self care is not for mothers. That's the belief system that I inherited through example. And remember, we teach our kids through our example more than through our words. So it doesn't matter if someone tells me that moms should take care of themselves for 20 years of my life, I witnessed my mom put herself last and I, and I saw that hurt her, but I.

I was brought up in an environment that believe that suffering has a purpose and that it was good and okay. And you know, you just get through it. I never questioned it. So that's number one. I help people if you're really far gone, I want you to just do a journaling session five minutes. What words come up when you think of self care and what experience in your life has had those take root.

And then I want you to think, what are these beliefs costing you? Because for everything that we believe we're paying a price for it. So for me, believing that self-care was selfish and not from others, cost me almost passing out in trader Joe's. I almost passed out in a library ones. I have spent thousands of dollars on medical tests that basically came to the same conclusion you need rest.

You need to take care of yourself. So there's a, there's a cost there. And I think just by doing that, I don't want to overload people with like a year of coaching on this podcast interview, but I think that's a great place to start if you're far gone because you feel ashamed. And you feel guilty about self care and that's why it's too hard for you.

And I think we need to get to the bottom of where that guilt and shame comes from and start to unravel it through some honest questioning and honest examination. Because when I look at my mom and I saw how unhappy she was, I realized I didn't want that for myself. I didn't want to repeat that. I didn't want to pass that to my kid.

 That would be the cost of me continuing to live in this belief system. So that's just the mental obstacle. And then there's the emotional, which is how we feel guilt and shame. And then there's the situational. But like, again, it's like you kind of go through each obstacle and identify what's holding you back from self-care.

Monica: I love that you start there because it is so easy to just go to. Here's how here's what you do and, and women won't be able to consistently maintain it or even start these practices. If they're not clear about these, these mental obstacles that are really guiding the ship here. So yeah. Oh, I love this so much.

So Mia, what can they do then, if there are women who have done the deep work here, what can they do to. Better support themselves when they're not feeling like themselves through self-care.

Mia: Yes. I love that question. So. Hopefully you, you know, you've gotten to a place where you realize that, you know, self care is necessary. Maybe you don't love to do it, but you're, you don't feel like completely ashamed and selfish when you do it. Like, let's say we've done all that, that work I recommend. So I teach four different types of self care.

They all start with the letter B to make it really easy to remember. And I actually created this. It was like, honestly like divine intervention. It was after I had my almost getting to the hospital moment and almost passing out trader Joe's, where I realized I needed to change some things. And so the idea of self-care being in four parts really helped me.

So there's basic self-care, boring self-care, brilliant self care, and bougie self care. And when you're going through a low moment or you are dealing with a mental health flare up, you have to, well, first of all, you have to put basic self-care first at all times. But especially when you're going through a flare.

Monica: Yes.

Mia: And if you're going through a flare up, you're probably easily overwhelmed. So I don't even want you to think about the other BS, just think about basic. And when it comes to basic, there are five areas within that. So it's sleep, well, hydration, hygiene, and intentional movement. So as you can see, just within basic self care, those five areas, I can be a lot when you are feeling overwhelmed.

And so if you only prioritize one or two of those, that's still so much better than nothing. So I've been accessing this and using this a lot because I I've been going through a flare up since November. Through transcranial magnetic stimulation treatment to try to treat severe depression. I have severe depression and PTSD.

It didn't work, spoiler, and I'm still going through that. Thank you. I'm going through this another country. So it's been rough, but yeah, I've really been going every morning. I run through that checklist, you know, sleep, hydration, eating well, hygiene, movement. And if you think about it, once you get really good at those things, It takes time.

I recommend focusing on one or two of them and definitely start with sleep. If you can, if you can work on your sleep. The beautiful thing about these areas of basic self care is they build on each other. So sometimes what we like to do, if we're really, you know, overachievers, I don't know if you're in Enneagram three I'm in Enneagram, three

Monica: I am.

Mia: I love. I love that. So we, we want to do it all. We want to, we want to make a schedule where we get it all in. Let me tell you something. You're setting yourself up for failure and disappointment, focus on one at a time and, and know that these have. These practices build on each other. So once you, once you get sleep down, you have more energy and capacity rights.

Maybe actually make yourself breakfast. Maybe actually get yourself in the shower in the mornings before school drop-off because you're not scrolling your phone in the morning because were so tired right? So they build on each other. When you have more energy, you're more likely to exercise. When you exercise, you have more energy to take on the next thing in your day.

So it's beautiful. The way it creates a ripple effect, but I always encourage my clients to just start with one. And one to take it even further, if you are an overachiever and you tend to just overdo it, no matter what, you dedicate, one, one practice per month. So for an entire month, I just go, what do I need to do to improve my sleep?

Do I need to buy an alarm clock to get my phone out omy room? Do I need to set an alarm so that I actually know, "oh, it's nine 30. It's time to actually start getting ready for." Right actually get ready for bed so that you have an unwind ritual. Like I like to teach my clients, like create a wind down ritual so that your body knows it's time.

Like for bed, wash your face, brush your teeth, change to pajamas. Even if you wear pajamas all day, change out of those and into something else. Right? So there's all these things. It seems simple like, oh, sleep just gets sleep, but we all know how hard it is to get a consistent seven hours, eight hours. And so I just spent a whole month on that.

And then the next month work on movement. What movement do you enjoy? How much time and energy do you really have for exercise? Because telling yourself to do an hour long hit workout every morning when you don't even wake up at six is not realistic or sustainable. So as you can see, there's like so much to it because I want people to practice self-care in a way that honors where they're at.

If you have depression and anxiety right now, do not be expecting yourself to be meal prepping the healthiest meals while exercising everyday while going to bed at 10:00 AM while all 10:00 PM. Well, all this stuff, right? That's not realistic. Your self care is to support you. Not the other way around.

Monica: Yeah, I am

Mia: to be enslaved.

You guys can't see this Monica is like nodding and she's just like, yes,

Monica: dancing on the side of the screen yet.

Mia: you're basically down. I love it. I appreciate it. But yeah. So a lot of times when people say, well, software just feels like one more thing to do Mia. And I'm like, yeah, because right now, the way you're approaching it is just one more thing to do.

Monica: One more huge thing, like a monumental.

Mia: huge monumental. I'm like it's supposed to support you, is supposed to fit into your life. I'm all about sustainable self care. I'm all about helping people practice self care in the every day. Not when you're feeling better, but like right now, like with your depression, with your anxiety, with your, overwhelm with school, drop-off in school, kids being sick.

I, I don't even remember the question, but like,

Monica: No, no, this is brilliant because, Oh, and I actually want to talk about the brilliant form because I think that's where they can start is knowing the four types. And it's funny cause I, I, I have taught three type in the past and they totally crossover with your, so I feel like we're having a symbiotic moment and even like

Mia: I love that.

Monica: ah, we're like the same and how we do this.

But the basic is the one that people overlook the most, and it's the most essential. So I'm glad that you, we spent the time to break that down. I want to briefly touch on what the other three types involve without like teaching them all, because I think they just need to sign up for your coaching to really get into that or, and, and to follow you and learn way more.

 So what are the other three types break those down for us? I'm really curious about boring. I'm really curious about that one.

Mia: So boring self care. Nobody is excited about it because of the name. But when I dedicated a month in my coaching program, just to boring self care, people actually loved that month because what boring self care is about is doing the things that you're avoiding because it's for.

And what that helps you do is it helps you to free up mental space. Because a lot of times we think if we're not tackling a task, that is just not a problem, but what's actually happening is your brain is holding onto that task. And it's kind of like expending energy and taking time and capacity from you.

Every time you walk back that pile of books that needed to go to Goodwill. Every time you walk past that pile of clothes that, you know, you need to organize. Every time, you know, you walk past that, that shelf that needs to be screwed back on. It's like, oh, I need to do that. Oh, I need to do that. And it's exhausting.

And there's actually, there was a study done on it. I can't remember the year, but it's called the Zeigarnik effect. And it basically proves that when we have something that's like an, a, a pending unfinished tasks, it takes energy from us. It takes mental capacity. So yeah. So everyone had to identify what their boring tasks were for that

Monica: the UGH tasks.

Yeah.

Mia: what, sometimes the boring tasks for people, it was the first time that they called their insurance to figure out if they have mental health coverage. It was the first time that they actually started researching therapists because nobody wants to do that. It was the first time. Yeah.

Right. I did that last week. Finally found a psychiatrist. It's like, nobody wants to do this stuff. It's one of the ways that we can deeply love and care for ourselves. That doesn't sound nearly as appealing as what we see on social media. We don't talk about this stuff. Boring. Self-care is cleaning your bathrooms.

Do you have a clean space to go into, to get ready in the morning? know, it's, it's like, it's those things that we don't want to do. So that's I want to keep it brief.

Monica: No, but I liked that you. the way you set this up in your program. So we've got basic boring. What's brilliant?

Mia: So brilliant my favorite. And it's named after basically the concept of brilliance, which is, it means light or luminosity. And we all have a light in spite of us that I would say it's connected to your spirit or your creative spark or just you know, that energy you feel when you do something that you really love or you're with a friend that really gets you or anything that just lights up in the inside.

So when you feel like yourself,

yes, it makes you feel more like yourself. And it's like a warm feeling. It's like, it feels like a light that gets bigger. And I feel like when we're depressed or anxious, that light can become dim. Like we haven't really been tending to it. We haven't really been nurturing it. And so when we practice brilliant self care, which is really anything that lights you up, it could be.

Literally just doing something for fun, like reading a fun or watching your favorite TV show. Cause I think a lot of us, when we become adults or moms, it's like we just focus on productivity, you know, getting things done, paying our bills and we forget that life is about so much more beyond that.

There's fun and beauty and play and enjoyment. There's spending time with friends and taking a nap in the middle of the day and getting lost in a really good book. These luxuries that shouldn't be luxuries that we don't really allow ourselves to have. And so for me, brilliant self care was finally sending up for a weekly dance class.

Even though I had all the excuses as a self-care coach. I'm like, Ugh, but you could be doing this and you have this to do it. And then I'm like Mia, it's one hour and you're tending to your soul. You know, and it really, really helps so much. And I think that's the one thing that I miss the most about California.

Like I left my dance class behind, but that's what brilliant self-care is, is tending to your spirit, really tending to that inner light and making sure that it's brightened and cultivated. And for some people, they started a hobby for the first time. For another person she went on an art retreat. And I know.

So it's just like a really, it's about taking the time to even discover what it is that lights you up. Because some of us as moms we've been going, going, going for so long tending to everybody else. So we've forgotten what we even enjoy. And so it's just giving yourself the space to discover that, which I think is I mean,

Monica: then this one. part right there, that's what changed my whole life starting seven years ago, or, you know, a little bit less than that. It was just adding me, inserting me and I had to explore it. And that's what the DSL does for, for those who are the, Do Something List for those who are in my community.

And they're like, how do I that? Like why this is why? So thank you for that. Okay. Basic, boring, brilliant, bougie. I feel like I know this

Mia: Yeah, this one's pretty obvious. This one is very, very obvious. It's what we see a lot on social media, but I actually teach it a little bit different in my program know we already know about massages and we know about getting your nails done, but for some people that doesn't really speak to them, it doesn't really feel like a treat the core of good sustainable self care that actually nourishes you, is you getting to know yourself? You have to know what actually lights you up. I know a lot of people are like, well, I did all the software things that I'm told to do, and I don't feel any better that's because you're doing what makes her feel better. doing what that person on social that you follow.

What makes you feel better? And let me just share some unconventional boujee self-care things that myself and my clients have done that are not conventional at all. Number one, buying a robot vaccum.

Yeah.

That's boujee self care. Who's you? Self care is anything that's out of the ordinary that you wouldn't normally buy for yourself.

And I do emphasis on the buy, because I think I wouldn't be in the real world. If I didn't talk about money, not all bougie self care is about money, but I actually make it about money in my program because a lot of us have money trauma. And I feel like it's not talked about enough if you grew up with a lot of financial insecurity or if you're dealing with a lot of financial insecurity right now money trauma can really affect you.

And so I like to address money trauma and help people kind of heal that while they practice with your self care. So whether that's actually allowing themselves to buy their favorite kind of ice cream, even though it costs $2 more than the cheaper brand that they usually get. That's a form of healing that money trauma and a form of lose your self care.

It's something that you wouldn't normally get for yourself, or that feels luxurious and is a gift to yourself. But going back to like the unconventional things, the, the robot vacuum is definitely one, like multiple people have bought a robot vacuum in my program now, and I'm not even an affiliate. So it's just like, they're like, oh my gosh, I realize how much time it saves them and now they can give that time back to themselves.

Another thing is like ordering like a smoothie delivery service for like, you get like five smoothies a week. I know one person, she works in healthcare and she struggles to feed herself well, but she looks forward to like her daily smoothie that comes in like, you know, weekly shipments. And what's another one that somebody brought up.

I can't think of one right now, but basically for me, it's like whenever I hire any sort of cleaning service, because we, I know, I often tell myself I should do this myself, but it's like, this is a gift Mia for you. You're worthy of this or getting myself a nice journal. I did a, like a little challenge for myself to buy myself fresh flowers every week, which was really nice going to trader Joe's.

And it's only like $5 to get flowers, but it's like, oh, I can't eat flowers. What's the purpose of this. They're going to die. The purpose is that there's beauty in the world and these flowers remind you of it. And that is that's the purpose. And it really does help when I walked by and was like, there's beauty in the world. My life is not just an endless checklist.

Monica: Yes.

Mia: You know, so that's what bougie self care is. And we, you know, there's a whole month dedicated to that because you'd be surprised. It sounds like the easiest and obvious one. Everyone's like, oh, I know it what bougie self care is, but when you teach it in conjunction with healing money trauma, because we go into, well, why is this so hard for.

Well, what are the mental, emotional, and situational obstacles around boujee self care that make it so debilitating for you to practice. And then they realize, well, like I was never allowed to have things I wanted to growing up, or my family struggled financially. Bless you.

Monica: You.

Mia: And once we start to dissect those stories, we start to recognize that things are in the past and we're adults now we have more agency we're not helpless anymore. And we can start to kind of actually live that truth instead of living in the past. So it's actually a really transformative month and it surprised me because I thought it was just going to be like a month where we were all going to just finally splurge a little bit on ourselves.

But instead it was way deeper than that. Oh yeah. One of my clients actually joined a yoga community. So she could have like daily classes and that was a big deal for her. She's always, and she made like friends and she didn't realize that she was going to like, kind of resolve her loneliness struggles by doing that.

But in the bougie self-care month. Right? Like you think it would have been in the brilliant self-care month that it was in the bougie self care month. So, so many possibilities, right. When. Practice self care in a way that actually honors who we are, right. Instead of like looking outside. And I like to call that the difference between practicing authentic self-care versus social media, self care.

Those are two very different types of self care. And whenever someone's feeling burdened by self care, I always like to check in with them and see, do you feel like this is authentic to you? Or do you feel like there's a comparison element here? Are you looking at other people for what you should do.

Monica: That really seems like the foundation to your work. It's, it's the aligned self care. It's authentic self care. And that to me, honestly, and you. know, beyond just the way you broke it down, which was so cool. I love the way you break it down is that I think that is what's missing for women. Is knowing that it needs to be so centered and who they are, what they like, what matters to them.

And, you know, women can get lost there, but honestly, in doing this, I think that's a lot of how you can uncover what you like or don't like, and need, or don't need. I want to keep talking to you, but let's, let's, let's get this to a place where they have even just one small way they can get started.

What do you think that was?

Mia: Yeah,

Monica: It's a tall order to ask for one small way to start.

Mia: Yeah, I know it feels like, honestly, it's really simple for me because I have to say this like every month to my clients, because it can get overwhelming and it's just decide one thing that you're no longer going to do

Monica: Hm.

Mia: not going to do. And it can even be for a season because sometimes people, when I say that, they're like, you don't understand me everything on my schedule I have to do.

But then when we dig a little bit deeper and I say it can something go on, pause for a second.

Monica: Yes. Okay.

Mia: can something go on pause for a season? Can you cook a little bit less? And they're like, well, I can't order out. I'm like, well, can you double batch your meal cooking so that you have every other day, that's a tip that I like to teach.

Then people realize, oh, this actually does save on dishes. It saves on time and energy. And I have some of my evenings back. Can you delegate a chore? You know, are you in a partnership or a marriage? And are you the only one doing the dishes seven nights? Can you share that responsibility? So you have evenings back and can take a longer shower and actually have time for that favorite TV show you love, you know, there's so many ways when we really look at it that we can decide something that we're not going to do.

And if you need a little bit more like color to that, I like to say, think about what you can delete, decrease, or delegate. A lot of times we think when we hear you need to set boundaries, girl, you just need to set. You need to set boundaries. You need to say no, and that can be overwhelming. Cause like, goodness, where do we start?

But when I ask people, what can you delete right now? What can you decrease? Can you fold laundry less? Can you be okay with, for an entire month there just being a mountain of laundry on the couch and when you need something, just grab it from the couch. Cause that's a thing I've done, like in seasons of motherhood where I'm like, this is not going to be folded and I don't know when it will be that's okay.

Because I would rather go to bed early, then fold all these clothes for two hours. So it's just depending on the season. Think about what you can decrease, what can, you can delete what you can delegate? You know, I guarantee you as a, as a woman and as a mother, we are taking on too much, we are not asking for the help that we need and deserve.

And so if that can help, those are the three D's that I, you know, that are a part of boundary setting. Yeah.

Monica: Oh, I love how good you are at coming up with ways to remember things. That's one of my weak spots. So hearing how you do it is just so inspiring to me.

Mia: Thank you.

Monica: And it's also beautiful.

Mia: It helps with my anxiety because I'm very forgetful and I have really bad brain fog. So any acronyms I can create, I

Monica: love it. I might have to text you then when I needed a good acronym for

Mia: yes.

Monica: Hey, but Mia, two big words that you.

kept saying to me just are, this is where I feel like we just have so much crossover in the work that we do. And I just wanted to appreciate this and you, that you are here to help women feel more supported and in ways that are sustainable.

And to me, I mean the center and the mission that I do here, and I love how you do it. I love the ways that you are helping women and you're making a difference. And I just want you to know that. And one of the biggest ways that you make a difference for me is seeing how, even when you are in the midst of a flare up, like you are right in this moment, how you just do what you can to show up.

And right now you're showing up for yourself. I think just even by, you know, feeling like yourself, I'm sure talking like this helps you feel more like yourself.

Mia: I am so glad for this call. You don't even understand it about it's a lighthouse in the darkness. I'm like, oh, I can. Yeah, no, thank you, Monica so much.

Monica: Well, but I also wanted to say, but you're showing up for us and that means so much to me. So Thank you. for this time. And I want to make sure we send people to the right place. So where do you want them to go? If they want to connect with you and learn from you?

For sure.

Mia: Thank you for offering that. I would love to connect with your listeners. I have a website, Miahemstad.com. I'm on Instagram at Mia Hemstead, and I'm on YouTube Mia Hemstad stabbed there as well. You can go to my website, all, you know, all the social links everything's there. And I also have a. I have a really great practice that you can implement once a week, a free printable, it's called the Weekly Wellness Check-in. If anybody wants to, you know, take their check-in a little bit further, you know, how we talked about how sustainable self care is rooted in like who you are and what you need. And a lot of women don't actually know who they are and what they need, because we're so used to suppressing that part of ourselves.

So have a simple 15 minute practice that I teach called the weekly wellness check-in and. You just get to check in with yourself once a week and see what you need and try to match up your self care to those needs. So I'll make sure that I give you that link because it's not readily available on my website.

I only give it to certain people and it's actually a paid product in my shop. So I want to send you the link so that your listeners can actually like get it for free. Yeah, no problem. I love sharing it. Yeah. So that's a great way to start and just all the ways to get connected with me.

Monica: We'll make sure we link that in the show notes for those who are well, everyone's listening, so you're not watching this, so we'll make sure we put that in the show notes. Mia. I just want to keep oozing the gratitude and respect that I have for you, but I'll just say it simply. And thank you. THank you, for being here. Thank you for showing up.

Mia: thank you, Monica. And thank you for what you do. I really appreciate you. And I read your, the mission that you had for this episode and like helping women who are struggling to feel like themselves because of what we've been through. I'm like, ah, thank goodness. A woman who gets it, what you're contributing today is also super important.

So thank you.

Monica: You know, I know this very well and I have a whole other trader Joe's story for you when we're off the

Mia: Oh, goodness.

Monica: they, I don't know. There's something amazing about the employees There They totally saved me and another. Yeah. Okay. So let's I know let's just do a whole episode on trader Joe's, but. So self care though,