“How can I move forward with a really difficult decision?” || Coaching Session with Kate

Find tips and encouragement for when you’re in the middle of making difficult decisions.

Are you facing a difficult decision right now?

When we make decisions, it’s easy to look for the “right” answer. In reality, there may not be a “right” answer to your situation because most paths won’t remove life’s difficulties and will still require some discomfort.

That can sometimes lead us to feeling STUCK. Instead of deciding, sometimes we just keep pushing that decision aside or stay paralyzed by overanalysis. 

Right now, a Progressor named Kate feels STUCK because she needs to make a difficult decision that will affect her career, her family, and herself. This episode is a recorded coaching call as I guide Kate to get clarity on how she wants to move forward.  

Decisions are never easy to make! 

Listen to learn how YOU can get more clarity on some choices you have in front of you, and to hear my biggest truth about decision-making. (Hint: it’s not about the actual decision . . . )

About a few other things...

Reclaim your creative power and rediscover who you actually are! If you’re ready to come back home to yourself, to be able to say that you know who you are and what matters to you, take my foundation course, “Finding Me.” It’s OK that you’ve lost parts of yourself along the way; but as you learn to anchor back into who you are and align your life to what matters to you, you’ll find that you have more strength, more fulfilment, and more creativity to bring to your important roles and responsibilities.

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TRANSCRIPT

Monica: Kate. Thank you so much for doing this coaching call with me I'm so glad you're here.

Kate: Thanks Monica. I appreciate the opportunity.

Monica: Tell us a little about you.

Kate: I am a wife and mother, live in Utah. My son is 13 years old and he is on the autism spectrum. Yeah. Let's see. I work full time and mostly nights and weekends, which is a little bit tough

Monica: That is tough

Kate: and I have a little side photography business gig. That isn't super profitable, but it was something I do like to do.

Monica: Okay,

Kate: So yeah, that's little bit about me.

Monica: Great. Okay. I want to know more about why you're here. What's going on in your life right now that you would like a little help with?

Kate: Okay. Well, I've been in my job for about 15 years and sometimes I enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like it's sucking my life out of my eyeballs, you know? And,

Monica: I love that description.

Kate: and it's it's, we're in kind of a tough spot because my management has been kind of destroyed. It's just, it's not a good environment right now. And a lot of people are leaving and it just like, it feels like it's time for me to move on as well. I feel guilty about that, so,

Monica: So it's time for you to move on, you know that, but you feel guilty about it. Tell me more about the guilt.

Kate: Okay. Okay Well, because I've been there so long, I'm one of not a lot of people who are willing to do the hard things and to who knows a lot of different things and, and that kind of stuff. But that doesn't mean that I'm not replaceable because I'm absolutely replaceable. And I know that, but I know they're having a hard time replacing people too.

And if I leave now, then I'll leave them in a lurch for the holidays. But it's just, it's hard.

Monica: It is hard.

Kate: I do feel guilty about that because it's been like a family for a long time, but we've also lost so many people that it's, it's not really a family anymore. It's just kind of people are hanging on for who knows how long. But it all feels like it's kind of going down in flames,

Monica: Yeah.

Kate: Do I stay on board? Do I jump I don't know.

Monica: Well, if we're going to go with that analogy, I almost feel like you feel like you are either pressuring yourself or feel pressured to be that captain going down with the ship.

And why, why is that beyond just what you've stated about it being a family, you making it hard for them. Is there anything else to that you feeling responsible?

Kate: I guess in some ways, maybe just because I've been there for so long. And I know that they depend on me for somethings.

Monica: And it feels good to be dependable. I feel like while you're describing this. I was writing down some of the values I can see new and just the way you're describing this, it seems like you're someone who really values being dependable and being a hard worker and a team player

Kate: Yeah.

I feel like I have learned and gained a lot of experience, like, especially at first, but there's only like three levels that you can, you can you know, Go go to, and I've been at the third level for like 10 years now, and there's just nowhere to progress to. And that's kind of been a big thing. Like where do I go from here either I spend thousands of dollars and go back to school to do something else or move on, you know?

But I've kind of just kind of been stuck here because I, you know, it's not a bad job and they depend on me and, you know,

I don't know, it's just kind of stuck in the analysis paralysis. Lots of things I want to do How long have you thinking about this decision?

long,

several years probably. you know?

Monica: Okay. Yeah.

And that's how some things just go, like we thought about leaving California for 13 years,

you know? And, and then all of a sudden there's an impetus that pushes you to really move forward with a decision either way.

It's helpful to know that though, because it's helping me see that more than just leaving these people in a lurch, which is part of a valid reason of that your fear behind leaving there seemed to be other deeper fears. I want to dig into that just a little bit more about what other fears are at play here, especially if you were to encompass the fears that you've been facing about this decision for years. And I'm thinking that has nothing to do with what you just brought up about a fork in the road for you personally, and what that means and the fears that could be a part of that. Fears of going back to school, fears of starting over, what could those be?

Kate: of a hard thing to think about it at my age, you know, I'm 42 and I've, you know, I've been doing this since I was in my twenties, you know? Um, I, feel like I'm, you know, in a midlife crisis, but I've been here for awhile too. So I'm kind of comfortable in the midlife crisis. fear of starting over and, you know, starting back at the bottom of the pay scale where I've been working my way up for so long. and like, you know, I'm making decent, job would mean a significant pay cut. I'm sure. So,

Monica: And those are all valid things to consider. Right.

So, so there's definitely, I wouldn't say surface level, but I guess surface level, valid, really important reasons why this job shift would be hard at drop in pay. Maybe you haven't go back to school feeling like you're starting over, but you also maybe starting over with a different career shift if That's on the table.

But I also hear kind of a deeper fear of who, who am I? Who am I without this

Kate: That's true.

Monica: Who am I, if I'm not dependable? Hardworking team player? Who am I? If I leave people in a lurch, what's next for me? You know, it seems a little deeper. Okay.

Kate: Yeah.

Monica: So it doesn't that make an awful lot of sense. Why this has been such a hard decision?

Kate: Yeah.

Monica: So I just want to validate that in view, because sometimes when we are mulling over something like this so long, we almost shame ourselves into thinking. I just must be a terrible decision maker, or why can't I just make this decision what's wrong with me when no, really? There, there are multi-layers to this so much deeper.

No wonder this has been something you've been thinking about for a long time and felt paralyzed about what to do.

 And I can see that I can see that realization you, right.

 So let's sit with this for a moment, Kate, and let's just think about, and this is going to sound so abstract, but I want you to go here with me. Okay. Who do you want to be? Regardless of the job you have, what kind of person do you want to be?

Kate: like I someone who's not tired all the time from, you know, working nights and weekends. And I want to be the person who could. You know, go do fun things with my family, but oh, it's on a Saturday, you know, I can't go because I'm working or, oh, I'm sorryI'm going to miss Christmas again this year, because I'm on call, you know, like I,

Monica: That's huge.

Kate: of person.

enjoys her life and doesn't just survive it

for a long time.

Monica: And I sense that I really do sense that, that you are a woman who is his ready for more, but not like unrealistic more. It's not like you're asking to suddenly jet off to Hollywood and have like a Butler and a mansion pool parties all the time.

Kate: That would be nice, but

Monica: Yeah. That would be nice. Right. But it just sounds like you just want

Okay.

So

Kate: many options available to me to become this person that I want to be, but I don't know which step to take, which is the right step. Is there a right step or is it, do I just need to, you know, just do something move forward and see what happens.

Monica: Okay, this is, this is good. We can go there a little bit, but so let's, you've got lots of other options and you, you brought those up, so let's, let's review them a little bit. If you were to leave the job, what are the options that can follow? And you touched on them a bit, but refresh our memory.

Kate: of safe option would be to do my job, but at a different hospital um, you know, in a similar pay high imagine um, back to school, which is a little scary and, you know, could I work and go to school probably, but do I want to do that to myself?

I'm not sure.

Monica: What would you study it?

with that knowledge, and I'm not, I don't have an answer for you. I can't decide for you. And I know you're not asking me to either, but I just want to make sure that's clear.

But with this knowledge in mind of who you want to be and how you want your life to look at how to feel, is that something you think you can do in your current circumstances with your job?

Kate: No.

Monica: No? Okay. Let's face some of those spirits a little bit. Let's say you do have to start over in some ways, even if you don't have a cut in pay or you find a stable job, that's still going to be starting over. And it could be starting over in bigger ways of going back to school or starting at the bottom of the ladder. I want to go back to the values that you had at the beginning. Do you think you can be a person who is hardworking, dependable, and a team player, and also be someone who is living her life, enjoying her life, being present in the way she wants to for her life and for her family. Regardless of how that plays out.

Kate: Hmmm,

Monica: Can you bring that person to what's next? That's what I'm really asking you

Kate: I think so . . .

Monica: Because so often it's not the decision, it's who am I with this decision? Who can I be as I move forward with this decision?

Kate: Okay, so I can be a good person and still leave them in a lurch.

Monica: Yes, because who are you going to be dependable to in doing that?

To me, my family.

Yeah.

And yourself and your family needs you.

Yeah.

That's a big, a ha right there.

Kate: Yeah. I've been putting work first for a long time

Monica: And that makes total sense why? I mean, both, both as it insome ways necessary because you need a job, but, but in other ways, it's what you know.

Kate: Yeah.

Monica: So a lot of what we do as women, as we stay stuck, not because we like being stuck, but because we know what stuck is. It's weirdly safe.

And so this is something that you just need to ask yourself. Do I want to stay in this kind of discomfort of being stuck and not liking the way I'm living my life and how I'm showing up for myself and for my family, or am I ready to move into a different kind of discomfort that will also be hard and different, but will also help me be more of the person I want to be.

Kate: So I'm going to be uncomfortable either way, either being stuck or starting over. Okay. Something to think about.

Monica: it is. And you obviously don't have to make that decision Right here right now, but isn't it weirdly comfortin to zoom out a little bit and see no matter what there's going to be discomfort. So which one do I want to choose?

Kate: It's true.

Monica: And then making the choice, the act of making a choice, either way. As what can help you then step into the person you want to be, regardless of what the choice is. So you can stay with your job and you can lean into trying to be that person who can be those things we talked about, or you can leave your job and also lean into being that person lead into your values and what you want and how you want to

Kate: feel.

Okay.

Monica: The most enlightening part of this conversation was hearing who you want to be.

Kate: Yeah. And my current situation is not contributing to who I really want to be.

So

Monica: that's what it sounds like.

And so sometimes even if we can't change our circumstance, you know, sometimes we can't quit the job, but there are still ways for us to change things about it, so that we can be that person in that circumstance. And then there's other times where we can choose a different circumstance, which still might be harder and comfortable, but do give us more of an ability to step into that who we want to be.

Kate: Okay.

Monica: So what's going on in your head? Like, what are you mulling over?

Kate: Oh, just which step to take forward. I think

Monica: so same job, new place going back to school. Any other options?

Kate: Oh, with the little, the photography business that I have is I, do I want to lean into that as well? Or should I, or can I even do that if I'm going back to school, should I shut it down?

With, you know, my work schedule and being so tired and working nights and weekends, it's just, it's been really exhausting. And so a lot of times I'm like, oh, I just want to be done with this. It is something that I enjoy.

Monica: So, you enjoy the work.

Kate: yeah.

Monica: You just don't enjoy the environment and the timing.

Kate: Yeah. Yeah.

Okay,

so environment's a big deal.

Monica: It seems like it's a really big deal for you right now, too.

Kate: Yeah.

Monica: So this is giving us information, right? And this is all just information because you don't have to make this choice right here on the call with me, but we know we know some things now.

 Tell me some things that you, you feel like you've been able to pick out that you know,

Kate: Okay. So I feel like I've kind of lost my identity with. Job that I'm in and have been doing for a long time. try to reclaim it, it always seems to go sideways because of the working schedule. And so I get frustrated and then It turns into, you know, the guilt and the shame of wanting to leave , but there's, there's gotta be more to life than letting the schedule and this job define me.

Monica: Those are all good things. Okay. So let's review. If I were to use your words here, I want my own identity. And by the way, that can still happen with the same type of job, maybe just different circumstances, which leads to the next one. And my work environment really matters to me. My work schedule really matters to me. So this is just information about what's next for you. You know, those two things really matter, maybe even more than what you exactly do. Okay. You know that you have some fears and those are valid to think about. And to just know, it's okay for me to have these, but you also know you don't want to be stuck anymore.

Kate: No.

Monica: This is actually a great foundation for you to then consider the next steps, because these are all things you, you know, you need to consider whether it's going back to school. We're finding a new place to work, same job or exploring photography.

Kate: That's true.

 Okay.

Monica: So what's coming up for you as a rear view those, these, these truths, this information.

Kate: that I'm really good at talking myself out of these things, mattering, you know, like, oh my schedule doesn't matter that much.

 I'm good at putting my needs behind the needs of my workplace.

Monica: And this is where we're going to use Dr. Phil and his, but how's that working for you?

Kate: Not great,

Monica: Not great. And because of that, how's it working for the other priorities in your life?

Kate: Not great.

Monica: Not great.

 So you're not alone in doing this women do this all the time. Men do this all the time. But now we can see that this is not working.

Kate: Yeah.

Monica: So it's time to try a new way when you are at the impetus of making a shift, even thinking about it. The other thing you need to know, another fact is that your brain loves to stay in what is known and comfortable. So it is going to resist anything that will push it outside of its comfort zone, because it's scary. It's just biological. It's supposed to keep you safe and staying stuck is safe,

Kate: All right. Cause you know what to expect.

Monica: even though it doesn't feel good, you know it, you know this well. Okay. So let's remove the shame and blame again here, remove the shame and blame. And remember that this is going to happen. This is just going to happen whenever you're making a big choice like this, that will push you into a discomfort zone.

There's going to be a part of you that reaches out and pulls you back in. Stay here, stay safe, stay stuck. This is what we know. This is when I want you to go back to the list of things that you know matter to you. This is who I want to be. I want my own identity. I want a schedule that enables me to have a life. And I want an environment that supports me in being that person.

Kate: Yeah.

Monica: So with this, Kate, I would just encourage you to just take a deep breath. And just let that knowledge settle in. When that part of you wants to resist the upcoming changes that you are preparing yourself to make, remind yourself that these are the things that matter to me. And more importantly, this is who I want to be underneath it all.

Kate: Okay.

Monica: One last thing before I, before I sign off with you, most of the time, there's no such thing as the right choice, like one right choice. Most of the time it's making a series of choices. So as you're thinking about what's next to hold onto what you know, like we talked about, but also just think about what is one way I can do something to move forward to what's next.

Whether that's talking to people who've been back to school. And the, and the thing that you're thinking of women who are around your age, who have done this, because I know there are many, you are not alone. Put out your bat signal on Facebook because people love to be helpful on Facebook. Who knows someone in this field has been, you know, ask. Maybe your do something that what you can do to move forward is. Talking to people at a different, in the same field, but in a different place, maybe it's going on a hike and just giving yourself time to think, you know, there's many ways you can take the next steps. Is there anything that you're thinking, oh, this could be a good, next thing for me to do.

Kate: Yeah, I think a good walk in nature would help. That would help clear my mind.

Monica: you need some time.

It sounds like you don't get much of that to yourself at all. Between a special needs child, a really intense work schedule. Let's start there then.

Kate: Okay.

Monica: Okay.

Series of choices and you bringing what matters to those choices. And as they play out, you can continue to bring those things to the next step, the next step, and the next step,

Kate: Okay.

Monica: Kate, this is fantastic. I am so grateful that you had the courage to do this. I just want to thank you. Thank you for doing this so other women can learn alongside you and have the courage to move forward with the scary things they're thinking about too.

Kate: Thank you. I appreciate you helping me figure out what really matters to me.

Monica: I'm happy to.