"I need to figure out how to reset some of those routines and some of those self-care habits so that I can feel more fulfilled and less defeated as I show up to my day-to-day life." That's how Taryn, who you'll hear from in this coaching call, described her current struggle. Can you relate?

We all experience seasons in life, and not just the ones where the weather changes. We may have seasons of consistency with our routines and self care that have us feeling really fulfilled. We may then have busy seasons where things like sickness or schedules can really get in our way. In this episode I work with Taryn to break things down, and to help her stay connected to herself as she sets up a plan to get back into the routines that make her feel the best.

Tune in and see how this framework can work to support you before, during, or after your busy season when you personalize it to your situation.

About a few other things...

Do you struggle to create habits that stick? It's not your fault. The truth is simple: you've been trying to form habits using methods designed for perfect robots--not real women living real lives. It's time to change that. If I could help you gain confidence in creating habits AND guide you to uncover the ONE supportive habit to deeply care for yourself, could you commit 21 days to learning this method? The Sticky Habit Method is a 21-day course that revolutionizes the habit-formation process. It's real habits for real women.

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This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/progress and get on your way to being your best self.

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TRANSCRIPT

Monica: Taryn, thanks for doing this coaching call with me.

Taryn: Thank you Monica. I'm excited to be.

Monica: Can you tell our listeners a little bit about you?

Taryn: Yes. My husband and I live in northern Utah. Both of us work from home. I also teach piano lessons a couple days a week, and so we, we keep ourselves busy and we do our best to enjoy life.

Monica: Love that introduction so much. Today you've come here for a little bit of coaching. Tell me what is going on for you that you were like, I would like some help with this.

Taryn: The past couple months have been really, really busy. A couple months ago it was alternated week by week, somebody was sick. We were out of town. Somebody was sick. I was out of town then. I was recovering for a while of that. And when you have a month like that, you kind of get behind in life, things moving on, but you don't necessarily, you move in different ways.

And so the next month I spent kind of catching up and because I was catching up, I got caught in productivity mode.

Monica: Yeah.

Taryn: That's not super helpful for my self care. So , I need to figure out how to reset some of those routines and some of those self care habits so that I can feel more fulfilled and less defeated as I show up to my day to day life.

Monica: I love that phrase you just said, so I'm writing that down word for word because to, to me, that's gonna become the guiding star of what our purpose here is to help you find more fulfillment and feel less defeated. So let me just ask a clarifying question. What about the productivity makes you feel defeated, like when you get in that productivity mode?

Taryn: I just can't stop. Like I just keep going and going and going. And then all of a sudden it's bedtime, and I'm like, wait, I didn't rest today. I didn't take any time for me. And so then I end up staying. I end up staying up late,

Monica: Mm.

Taryn: which puts me in that cycle of, well, now I'm tired, so the next day I have a slow start and then I have to hit it hard, and then all of a sudden it's after dinner and I'm still going, and

Monica: Got it,

Taryn: the cycle continues.

Monica: and I'm sure part of the defeat. I wanna say "deafeation" I'm like, what's actual, how do you say this in a different tense, but let's just say part of that defeated feeling is because the cycle also never ends in terms of you're never like complete

Taryn: That

Monica: never arrive with the end of a productivity cycle.

Taryn: Defeated and depleted.

Monica: Mm-hmm.

Taryn: So I don't, I just don't have anything to give because I'd fill my bucket.

Monica: Okay. All right. If you were to word this as a question, how would you, how would you word that?

Taryn: Going back to routines, I would say, how do I reset routines after a busy season and looking forward to another busy season with the holidays that are coming up?

Monica: That's right. We have both of those right around the corner. Okay, so let's go back to the, the phrase I wrote down word for word and I added a couple words now. So you want to feel more fulfilled, less defeated, and less depleted. That's the goal.

Taryn: Yes.

Monica: Anything else you wanna add?

Taryn: I want to feel rested.

Monica: Okay.

Taryn: I think even when we're doing things, we can feel rested because we're not feeling rushed by all that needs to be done.

Monica: Mm-hmm. It also seems like you want to prevent getting caught in the productivity mode for the next busy season.

Taryn: Yes, definitely.

Monica: So how to insert that rest amidst the busyness, not just between.

Taryn: Yes.

Monica: Okay. What are some routines that you've had more self-care based that have helped you in the past feel more rested and more fulfilled?

Taryn: Okay. In the afternoons I would take time for myself because my name starts with t and time starts with T I call it taryn time. And so I would take Taryn time, at least 10 minutes just to do whatever I wanted to do. And the easiest thing for me to do is to read because I love to read. So some days are easier than others to fit in that Taryn Time but that's one. And then the other is making sure that I have a solid digital sunset, so that I'm putting away my devices and enjoying time to unwind at the end of the day, to relax, to spend time with my husband, which also sets me up for good sleep.

Monica: Mm-hmm. And these are the two routines that were dropped, or were they just not happening often enough? Were they not happening intensely enough? Tell me what the problem is.

Taryn: The digital sunset for sure was dropped because I was sick or out of town. That routine fell to the wayside.

Monica: Okay.

Taryn: The other thing that has been happening in my life the past several weeks is that there's been a change in our, our weekly schedule for my husband and myself. And so there were times that he was away fulfilling church responsibilities that he is now not

Monica: Okay.

Taryn: while he was away.

That was when I would insert some additional Taryn time. And also do some planning, just some deep thought, some thought work, and some planning so that I was feeling ready for the week. I love having him home and I'm having a hard time finding time during the day or the week to reinsert those routines as well.

So I guess it's kinda a, a threefold theme where a couple of them would happen. A couple of those routines would happen. Daily where this, the others would happen weekly. And the combination has left me worn down.

Monica: Okay. Yeah. In addition to two really busy seasons that you're in between as well. Okay. So that makes sense. You've kind of been hit in all, in all directions, so, To me, I feel like there's some bigger kind of questions here, and the one that I think most people will relate with is how do I get back on the wagon?

Like, how do I get back on the, the wagon with certain self care? When I say self care, I just mean any routines that help you feel cared for, supported, right? So how do I get back on the wagon with supportive habits and routines that I know work for?

Taryn: Yes.

Monica: Because those two, we don't need to really pick those apart.

It sounds like, you know, they work, you know, they help you feel rested and fulfilled. So it's less about what do I do to find rest and fulfillment? It's like, how do I get back on the wagon? That's one big thing.

Taryn: yes.

Monica: And the other for me is, well, there's three actually . The, the second one for me is what, what do I do at when I'm really depleted?

Okay. And the third one is, how do I handle the forced upon shifts that life brings me?

Taryn: Yes.

Monica: Because not only is it happening right now with your, you know, the transition of you guys having different schedules, but it happens often, right? It happens with your piano students when you move from a summer to fall.

Or you're off for a holiday or you know, you get new, new students and you drop off some others. Like there's always going and shifts with work, there's always going to be something. Kay.

Taryn: Yes,

Monica: So we could make this like a three hour coaching call and and cover all three of those three. What's the one that you're like, Monica, help me with this right now today, wagon depletion. I gotta think of one word. Seasonal shift. I did two.

Taryn: I think, well, it's a toss up between the wagon and the seasonal shifts, but I think it starts with the wagon. And I,

Monica: It kind of worked together. That's.

Taryn: yeah.

Monica: relate to each other. So let's say for whatever reason, circumstances make it so you fall off a wagon. Okay? Whether it's a shift in a season or it's a shift in help, or it's a shift in workload, whatever it may be. Okay, you're off the wagon. What do we do about that?

All right, let's start by talking about how you view falling off the wagon for yourself personally. Like do you have any like sneaky thoughts that have come up about that with yourself? , do you get frustrated? Do you, do you get angry? Do you feel resentful? Do you go to sadness, apathy? Like, describe that to me.

Taryn: Okay, so it usually comes up as I'm finally getting ready for bed and I just still frustrated with myself.

Monica: Frustrated. Yeah.

Taryn: Because I know that I can do what needs to be done. I'm just not doing it.

Monica: Mm-hmm.

Taryn: So I have an, I have a level of expectation for myself that I'm not meeting. And so yeah, I feel frustrated. And then sometimes that moves into shame.

Monica: Yeah. What does that shame sound like in your mind? Like if you were to put some words to the, the thoughts that are feeling shame.

Taryn: Come on, Taryn. done it before. You can do it again. You shouldn't be in this, this, this position, this place. You're better than this.

Monica: Okay. Thank you for voicing those. To be really honest, I hear these same thoughts too when I fall off the wagon. I think that's kind of our first default mode to go into is, is the self blame UNC coupled with that frustration and, and you know, sometimes for a good reason because we do know better, like we have lived it out better,

Taryn: Mm-hmm.

Monica: so let's just make a little space for frustration.

But let's try to root out the shame

Taryn: Yeah.

Monica: And, and the shame really is just built on a lot of.

Taryn: So,

Monica: Like you said, you talked about expectations, right? Unmet expectations in yourself and what that means about you. Like that somehow You mean less?

Taryn: yes. Yes. And, and should. I should go to bed earlier. I should know how to do this.

Monica: Mm-hmm. So here is honestly the first step to almost every problem I work on with coaching clients is the way we resolve things and work towards fixing them long term too, not just short term is starting with awareness. So when you fall off the wagon like this, I actually want you to start with awareness of the feelings and the thoughts that are coming up for you that are connected to that falling off the wagon.

Taryn: Okay.

Monica: So I, I just want you to track when you feel frustrated. I want you to notice when you have thoughts of blaming and shaming yourself, when you hear the shoulds, the literal should thoughts of, I should know better, I should be doing this. So we start with awareness, but next, what we want to do is move to compassion.

And to me this looks like validation where you can validate. Some of these feelings that you choose to, that you think are actually wise, like maybe you can say, yeah, this is frustrating. Okay, you're validating feelings. Another part of this is validating why you fell off the wagon too.

Taryn: Hmm.

Monica: okay? This is where you kind of talk to yourself, you know, like you would a friend or someone that you really love.

Right. Or a young family member, like a niece or nephew that you really love and just be like, of course you're frustrated. And of course you fell off the wagon. You were sick, you were on work trips all the time, and then your husband was and like validating. Let's stop there for a moment before I tell you what's next. Okay. Let's start, let's review awareness, then we move into validation That is, you know, boyed up with compassion. How does that feel to you? Sound to you? What do you resist about that

Taryn: It feels really good. Actually. It feels like a breath of fresh air because now I have direction,

Monica: in what.

Taryn: I, I know how to, I know how to take a step towards the wagon now. Just by, by being aware, like you said, noticing what's happening, maybe when it's happening and why it's happening, and then that compassion to realize there's a reason for it. not just because I'm failing,

Monica: Mm-hmm.

Taryn: there's a reason that it's happening, which brings in that validation.

Like literally my shoulders still lighter now.

Monica: Good. Yeah, I can honestly see it. I can see it in

Taryn: good.

Monica: Okay. I'm glad to hear that. And a lot of people resist this for a couple reasons. They might say, like, if I, if I just like pat myself on the head, then I'll just stay there. And the opposite, really most of the time is true. Because what you're also doing is gathering information.

Taryn: Mm-hmm.

Monica: You know about like, okay, this, these are the obstacles I'm facing right now.

Taryn: right.

Monica: Okay. Those first two steps are like two thirds of the getting back on the wagon. If you try to jump to the third one that we're gonna go onto next, then it's not going. It's going to be another should show That was a good play on words.

I'm so proud of that. we we wanna avoid that because it's honestly just going to perpetuate a cycle of getting on and off, on and off the wagon in a shame driven way that does nothing long term, but just give you more fuel for the shame show. And I now I'll drop saying that all the time. Okay. So once.

Noticed, you know, you've been aware, you've, you've noticed the feelings and emotions and thoughts are coming up for you. Then you validate. You validate the emotions, the feelings, you validate the circumstances. Now we move into choices. Now these choices need to be informed and they still need to be compassionate and practical.

So I said they need to be informed. When I say that, I mean going back to the second step of valid. The choices that are gonna follow here are ones that are based in truth of what's actually happening. So that way you're not like, okay, tonight's the night, 9:00 PM everything's off. And you're just like going down that, oh, like I'm just gonna like use my grit and get through it.

Okay. Because now you know, like I. This is what's happening. I'm going through an adjustment period. Okay. Second, compassion. I think we, we can know what that looks like here. Like compassionate choices means you're not doing the all or nothing route here. And just like angry forcing choices. And the third one's honestly, really, really important, practical to the, to everything else we just talked about.

So for. We wanna think about how can I choose to get back on the wagon in these routines in ways that are based in my season and can be done both practically and compassionately. So I'm gonna give you some space here to kind of brainstorm that out loud. What would that look like for you with one of these habits we can start with?

Taryn: So in a really weird way, what came to my mind is meal planning.

Monica: Really

Taryn: Yes.

Monica: I love how this happens. This is awesome. Tell me why.

Taryn: Okay. So if I. On the days that I don't have a plan for dinner, I don't have an idea what, what I'm gonna make, it just turns into this really stressful experience. Oh, what am I gonna make? It's all frozen, and then I get frustrated there, which only spreads to the family.

Monica: Yeah.

Taryn: So then my husband feels the frustration, and then eventually we get to dinner, but it's late.

Monica: Yeah.

Taryn: and so we're hungry, aka, or I'm at least . And then by the time, by the time we get dinner cleaned up, I'm just like, done.

Monica: You're depleted.

Taryn: Yes. And

Monica: of the cycle and defeated. Yes.

Taryn: And so,

Monica: And then you stay up later to try to fill that depletion. And the defeat the, again, I'm trying to say depletion

Taryn: Let's make it a work. We can add it to the dictionary, right?

Monica: just defeat Monica. Okay.

Taryn: Yeah. Yeah. But if I, if I'm able to like even throw a freezer mail in the Crock Pot early in the day, the instant pot earlier than I think, then that gives me space. To eat when I'm hungry, before I get hungry, and then the evening flows better and I can make better choices because I'm not angry and I'm not frustrated. My belly S full, which helps my brain.

Monica: 100%. Okay, so. This is a great example too of why the first two steps of that getting back on the wagon were so helpful because otherwise if you just jumped to the third, you would've done like the, I'm working on these two other habits when really this, a big part of the domino line here is going back to this and doing that will lower the hurdle.

So you. Get back onto those other routines in ways that, you know, are still informed, compassionate and practical.

Taryn: Yeah.

Monica: So you said meal planning, but then I also heard you talk about earlier meal prep. What, what would you like want to, like compassionately, prioritize?

Taryn: Probably just meal planning

Monica: Mm-hmm.

Taryn: because I have a lot of freezer meals, thankfully, that I can just throw in the Instant Pot. I have a lot of ingredients that I can use to make meals. I just need to remember to get 'em out of the freezer so that they can thaw or make sure I have those fresh in.

Monica: Okay. And do you. A meal planning routine that has worked for you well in the past that you'd like to prioritize? Or is this like, this is the new, new, new thing?

Taryn: Well, I've had several that have worked in the past. I haven't yet found the one that works all the time.

Monica: Yeah.

Taryn: So yeah, there's that.

Monica: Okay. So with this, this is where I like you know, the, the, there's this part of me is like, tell me about each of the other. Ways that you did it, and let's dissect them and pick them apart. Instead, I want us to simply just say, if you were to put on your objectivity hat coupled with your compassionate scarf.

I don't know what's happening right now. I think this has just been a day of me talking a lot and recording calls. So we're getting a little bit of a weird version of Monica. So you have the objectivity hat, you've got the compassionate scarf, and maybe the practicality lens, and you're just saying what will work right now?

What is enough right now to help me feel like I've got my meals?

Taryn: The quick and easy thing that comes to my mind right now is just deciding the night before, like as I'm cleaning up dinner. Or we are cleaning up dinner or whoever's cleaning up dinner, I can just look ahead to tomorrow. It's a busy day, so we're doing an instant pot meal,

Monica: Mm-hmm.

Taryn: have a little extra time to cook.

I'll make this recipe.

Monica: Okay. I wrote this down and you know, me with a wta, we, we want to be clear and you already did that. You're such a good professional progressor. Okay. When we clean dinner, then I'll look ahead to the next day and decide our meal. You don't even have to write it down

Taryn: I'm gonna, anyway, just so I

Monica: Okay. Okay. That works for me too. And then we also know when you do that, the, the A here for our wta affirm, affirm that. But usually in the podcast we just focus on the one then pairing.

Taryn: Mm.

Monica: How does that feel?

Taryn: It feels good. Like it's another weight off my shoulders,

Monica: Mm-hmm. . And now you have like this fashion of of, of the compassionate scarf too going on. This is, this is really, really cool.

Taryn: it is.

Monica: I'm just gonna give you one more bit of advice with the other routines that you want to get back to. I want you to keep on the objectivity hat, the compassionate scarf, the practical lens here, and I want you to do the same thing with those, what's the, what's the version of this I can do right now?

Taryn: Mm-hmm.

Monica: And that's where we're gonna. And you can move back to the other baselines maybe you've created with those routines, or maybe you'll find the baseline versions already in place. You just gotta believe it that you're okay to just do the baseline and force yourself to only do the baseline for a while.

But I think you'll be able to get on the wagon a lot faster with with those things in mind.

Taryn: Yeah, I think so.

Monica: So what are you gonna take away from this conversation? besides my incredible outfit, that I designed for you.

Taryn: I think I need a picture of that on my wall so that I awareness and compassion.

Monica: Mm-hmm.

Taryn: I think awareness was where I, that's where I was forgetting and because I wasn't aware, I couldn't use the compassion it just felt like, . There wasn't reason for it.

Monica: You're just getting lost in it, like sucked into it.

Taryn: Yeah.

Monica: Mm-hmm.

Taryn: But bringing that awareness opens the door to compassion.

Monica: love how that works. That's awesome.

Taryn: Yeah.

Monica: Well, Taryn, this has been, dare I say, fun

Taryn: It has.

Monica: for me it has I appreciate your patience with my brain and my weirdness, and I am so grateful that you took this time to be coached with me today. Thank you.

Taryn: Thank you, Monica. I appreciate you.

Monica: So today you have come here. To help. We'll just redo that part.